It’s always important to have a backup plan. You might wonder what mine is, if this whole writing thing doesn’t work out. (Thank you for your confidence asshole.) While this is a silly thing to wonder, since my big break is obviously very close, I will address the question for my family members who have a vested interest in my financial well-being.

The obvious choices, such as training a murder of crows or going around flashing the peace sign at people and using a high tech gadget to steal their fingerprints, are off the table. I suck at training crows and I don’t know how to make a fingerprint scanning machine.

But there is a very real and pressing problem in our society, and I think I might be the one to address it. Namely, the fact that mourning in this country has become tacky and basic. Dana’s Funeral Parlor will solve this nightmare by returning to a more aesthetically pleasing manner of dealing with death.

First of all Dana’s Funeral Parlor will NOT deal in “Celebrations of LIfe.” If someone is dead, you should not be celebrating. That’s rude. And anyone who says “Well, she would have wanted us to be happy” will be denied service. Nobody wants people to be happy they’re dead. That’s nonsense. If you want to celebrate life, have a birthday party.

Our FUNERALS will be highly customizable, as well as our methods of body disposal. We will do any religious ceremonies you desire, even the really stupid ones, and atheists are of course welcome. Not only will we do standard burials and cremations, but we will provide taxidermy, as well as composting and that deal where you can turn yourself into a diamond. Whatever you want, as long as the point is to MOURN the DEAD.

But the style is where we will really shine. All the decor will be Victorian. (Say what you will about the Victorians, but they did death right.) We will offer a full line of mourning clothing and accessories. We will have everything from classic black dresses to comfy T-shirts that say “In Mourning” to veils and sunglasses. We will also have beautifully designed stationary.

ALSO, we will provide meal delivery services and cleaning services as part of the “Mourners Care Package.” People can purchase these packages for their loved ones, or just do the traditional flower delivery. Seriously, why don’t funeral parlors offer this service? Because they aren’t as good as my funeral parlor, that’s why. We will employ cleaning and cooking staff, because we care about you in your time of need.

And our cemetery (we will have our own cemetery) will have lots of cool events, like Dia De Los Muertos parties and outdoor movies. And we will contract with student artists to let them create amazing tombstones, so coming to the cemetery will be like going to a really sad art museum, or like wandering around in a Tim Burton movie.

We will also host a weekly support group for grieving people, for those who prefer to come and be sad with others instead of being sad at home alone. The meeting will take place in a classic Victorian parlor, with tea and snacks and whisky.

We will NOT provide commemorative car stickers.

We MAY provide tattoo services. I am conflicted about this.

Basically, Dana’s Funeral Parlor will be a one-stop shop for all your mourning needs. Funeral planning, Irish wakes, mourning attire, caretaking packages, flowers, and new sadness-based friends.

Dana’s Funeral Parlor: For those who prefer an elegant, refined mourning.