Crow Training

Crow Training

At a party, I recently learned that it’s possible to train crows to bring you loose change that they find, and I was instantly enchanted. That is a career that has Dana written all over it. No phones. No angry customers. No forms and paperwork. No fax machines. Also, I like crows.

I announced to my friends and husband that I planned to train me up a murder of crows to do my bidding. No only would I train them to bring me change, I would train them to send letters as well. I know eight Game of Thrones Geeks off the top of my head who I’m certain would pay me to send letters for them by crow.

My friends and husband laughed, assuming that I was just drunk and full of bad ideas, like usual.

They were wrong.

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The Worst Breakfast

This is the worst breakfast you could possibly eat. I’ll show you the recipe and picture first, then I’ll explain myself.

Alright. I assume you’ve taken that in.

First of all, I get that some people like coffee, and believe that they need it to function in the morning. Bitter vomit flavor is appealing to lots of people. I don’t pretend to get it, but I understand it on an intellectual level. So on its face, a coffee smoothie sounds like a pretty good breakfast idea. You’re killing two birds with one stone, getting your coffee and nutrition all at once. But you guys, this is not the way to do it.

All this “smoothie” is is a milkshake. Read the ingredients again. It’s coffee, ice, dairy and chocolate. It could be argued that vanilla Greek yogurt is preferable to ice cream, but I raise my eyebrow. It’s basically the same thing. Sugar, cream, vanilla, in that order.

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Movie Friendships

It irritates the shit out of me in movies and TV shows when the new kid arrives at the new place and is immediately embraced by a group of friends, and now they are all ride-or-die besties.Like, I get that it would slow down the plot considerably to have the new kid...

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Between Your Wife and Me

Between Your Wife and Me I am in love with a married man. That is my tragedy. I love him with a deep and desperate passion that rules me. I want to own his heart and mind and soul. I want to rip the heart out of his body and caress it with my my small hands, feeling...

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Ali and Amy

The Retreat

 Winner of the 13Horror.com Film & Screenplay Contest 2020!

Now on Amazon!

A mother and son are kidnapped and forced to spend a weekend with a religious cult.

Ali and Amy

The Binge-Watching Cure II: An Anthology of Horror Stories

Tom is a ghost, trapped in his apartment. In order to pass on to the next world, he must make amends for his past mistakes.

Pick up your copy of The Binge-Watching Cure II: An Anthology of Horror Stories to read Dana Hammer’s new short story – Tom the Ghost!

Now on Amazon!

Kill Switch - A Horror Anthology

It’s a self-operating lawnmower. What could go wrong?

Pick up your copy of Kill Switch to read Dana Hammer’s new short story – Mow Bot!

Now on Amazon!

Dead Viking Rehab

Now on Amazon!

When Haldor the Viking is killed in battle, he expects to be welcomed into Valhalla, as a warrior should be. Instead, he is sentenced to guardian angel duty, watching over his thoroughly modern great-granddaughter. In order to be admitted to Heaven, he is tasked with finding her a man to marry — and he cannot use violence. If he fails, he will be sentenced to Hell for all eternity. 

Dead Viking Rehab is a hilarious tale of redemption, love, and so many killings.

Pazuzu Versus the F***ing Fairies

Now on Amazon!

Pazuzu the demon’s desires are simple. He only wants to have some father-son bonding time in the forest, and engage in some light arson. But his sensitive artistic son wants nothing to do with it, preferring to play video games and befriend the whimsical, brightly-colored fairies who dwell in the woods. 

Pilcrow & Dagger: January 2019 - The Survivor

Pick up your copy of the January 2019 issue of Pilcrow & Dagger to read Dana Hammer’s new short story – Community!

Digital Copy
Print Copy

The Rabbit Hole: Weird Stories Volume One

A woman with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder is trapped in her home, when it becomes covered in birds.

Pick up your copy of The Rabbit Hole to read Dana Hammer’s new short story – Birds!

The Difference a Thousand Dollars Can Make

The story of a woman who fought to get a salary for homemakers, and the man who wants revenge.

Read Dana Hammer’s new short story – The Difference a Thousand Dollars Can Make – on The MOON Magazine for free!

The Story Of Lorelei

Now on Amazon!

Lorelei deals with her cockroach roommates.

Dana Hammer’s short story, The Story Of Lorelei, appears in Murder in the Park After Dark Volume 1, edited by Karter Mycroft!

Ali and Amy

Read Dana Hammer’s new short story – Ali and Amy – on Cliterature for free!

The Unpleasantness in Room 27A

Now on Amazon!

Where is the worst place to commit murder? Did you say “The Happiest Place on Earth?” Dana Hammer did, and she wrote a story about it.

Dana Hammer’s short story, The Unpleasantness in Room 27A, appears in It’s All in the Story: California: An Anthology of Short Fiction, edited by D.P. Lyle!