Here’s a short story for you. It’s my imagining of how it went the first time a person tried to ride a horse. The Horseman Jalk was pleased as he looked up at the puffy white clouds. Those kinds of big, billowy clouds, like overgrown sheep, meant that there would not...
Last year, my sister and her kids came to visit on Easter. I was super excited, because cousins spending Easter together is wholesome as fuck. However, I was dealing with extreme nausea and vomiting, coupled with fairly debilitating lupus symptoms at the time, so I...
Roxanne had just arrived home from the party, and her feet were killing her. She dropped her purse on the floor, kicked off her extremely high stripper heels, yanked off her bra from under her shirt, and collapsed on the couch. Her stomach sloshed, unpleasantly full...
My daughter is slowly acquiring a cat. It started when the cat in question showed up in our backyard, peering into our house. Nadia, being Nadia, generously fed the cat her cereal milk. Now the cat comes into our backyard every day, and sometimes sits in our front...
After much reflection, I have decided to remove The Taxidermist and Rosemary’s Baby Daddy from the world. When I published those books, I was an immature writer who knew nothing about the publishing industry. In my mind, it was Step 1: Write a book Step 2: Self...
This was my daughter’s first week of T-K. It’s been a period of adjustment for both of us, as we get up early and go to a building where we learn the rules regarding weekly manilla envelopes and why my four year old’s shoulders are considered “inappropriate.” (I could...
I’m an introvert. (Surprise!) As an adult, I’m comfortable with it, but as a child I got a lot of grief for it; mainly because a lot of the adults in my life thought it was a wrong way to be. So I resolved that if I ever had a child, she would be welcome to spend all...
Today is my husband’s birthday, and as usual, figuring out what to get him is a nightmare. The man is hard to buy for. Everything he wants is astronomically expensive or something I don’t understand. Until an asteroid takes out the grid, my skills are useless to him....
Beavis and Butthead was one of my favorite shows as a kid. I watched it diligently, and I still think it’s hilarious, though perhaps not as genius as I once thought it was. Here’s the thing. Every time I tell someone that I miss Beavis and Butthead, or that I enjoyed...
In movies and books, clumsiness is always portrayed as a sweet, funny flaw. Oftentimes it’s downright charming. That’s because the writers have never had to live with clumsy people. I’m not an exceptionally graceful person, but I possess average dexterity and...
First of all, The Taxidermist is now available on Audible. If you want a free copy, let me know, I have some codes. Here is a link to the book. Get it. Allow my charming, hypnotic voice to fulfil you on a spiritual level....
It’s always important to have a backup plan. You might wonder what mine is, if this whole writing thing doesn’t work out. (Thank you for your confidence asshole.) While this is a silly thing to wonder, since my big break is obviously very close, I will address the...
My daughter loves playing outside. LOVES it. She’s like a little feral cat, or a hippie. If I let her, she would spend 100% of her time outside, like an animal.
I’m told that this is a good thing, mostly by people in my parents’ and grandparents’ generations. If you listen to older people talk, they basically spent the entirety of their childhoods outdoors, and it turned them into wonderful super people, and it’s just a shame that kids spend so much time indoors these days, and GET OFF MY LAWN!
In addition, there are lots of psychologists and scientists who say that fresh air and sunshine are important for healthy physical and psychological development, and you need to make sure your kids spend time outside.
Ok. Fine. Since the whole world seems to think that being outside is the best thing ever, I do it. Despite the lupus, and the fact that I need a tub of hypoallergenic sunscreen and a parasol, I do it. I dutifully take my child outside to play, every single day.
At a party, I recently learned that it’s possible to train crows to bring you loose change that they find, and I was instantly enchanted. That is a career that has Dana written all over it. No phones. No angry customers. No forms and paperwork. No fax machines. Also, I like crows.
I announced to my friends and husband that I planned to train me up a murder of crows to do my bidding. No only would I train them to bring me change, I would train them to send letters as well. I know eight Game of Thrones Geeks off the top of my head who I’m certain would pay me to send letters for them by crow.
My friends and husband laughed, assuming that I was just drunk and full of bad ideas, like usual.
They were wrong.
This is the worst breakfast you could possibly eat. I’ll show you the recipe and picture first, then I’ll explain myself.
Alright. I assume you’ve taken that in.
First of all, I get that some people like coffee, and believe that they need it to function in the morning. Bitter vomit flavor is appealing to lots of people. I don’t pretend to get it, but I understand it on an intellectual level. So on its face, a coffee smoothie sounds like a pretty good breakfast idea. You’re killing two birds with one stone, getting your coffee and nutrition all at once. But you guys, this is not the way to do it.
All this “smoothie” is is a milkshake. Read the ingredients again. It’s coffee, ice, dairy and chocolate. It could be argued that vanilla Greek yogurt is preferable to ice cream, but I raise my eyebrow. It’s basically the same thing. Sugar, cream, vanilla, in that order.
My short story, “Meteorite” is featured in this new anthology, along with stories by some phenomenal authors who are not me. Here is a link to purchase it — https://www.amazon.com/Blood-Fiction-If-Bleeds-Reads-ebook/dp/B0B86TTV82
Tom is a ghost, trapped in his apartment. In order to pass on to the next world, he must make amends for his past mistakes.
Pick up your copy of The Binge-Watching Cure II: An Anthology of Horror Stories to read Dana Hammer’s new short story – Tom the Ghost!
When Haldor the Viking is killed in battle, he expects to be welcomed into Valhalla, as a warrior should be. Instead, he is sentenced to guardian angel duty, watching over his thoroughly modern great-granddaughter. In order to be admitted to Heaven, he is tasked with finding her a man to marry — and he cannot use violence. If he fails, he will be sentenced to Hell for all eternity.
Dead Viking Rehab is a hilarious tale of redemption, love, and so many killings.
Pazuzu the demon’s desires are simple. He only wants to have some father-son bonding time in the forest, and engage in some light arson. But his sensitive artistic son wants nothing to do with it, preferring to play video games and befriend the whimsical, brightly-colored fairies who dwell in the woods.
The story of a woman who fought to get a salary for homemakers, and the man who wants revenge.
Read Dana Hammer’s new short story – The Difference a Thousand Dollars Can Make – on The MOON Magazine for free!
Now on Amazon!
Lorelei deals with her cockroach roommates.
Dana Hammer’s short story, The Story Of Lorelei, appears in Murder in the Park After Dark Volume 1, edited by Karter Mycroft!
Now on Amazon!
Where is the worst place to commit murder? Did you say “The Happiest Place on Earth?” Dana Hammer did, and she wrote a story about it.
Dana Hammer’s short story, The Unpleasantness in Room 27A, appears in It’s All in the Story: California: An Anthology of Short Fiction, edited by D.P. Lyle!