This is the worst breakfast you could possibly eat. I’ll show you the recipe and picture first, then I’ll explain myself.

Alright. I assume you’ve taken that in.

First of all, I get that some people like coffee, and believe that they need it to function in the morning. Bitter vomit flavor is appealing to lots of people. I don’t pretend to get it, but I understand it on an intellectual level. So on its face, a coffee smoothie sounds like a pretty good breakfast idea. You’re killing two birds with one stone, getting your coffee and nutrition all at once. But you guys, this is not the way to do it.

All this “smoothie” is is a milkshake. Read the ingredients again. It’s coffee, ice, dairy and chocolate. It could be argued that vanilla Greek yogurt is preferable to ice cream, but I raise my eyebrow. It’s basically the same thing. Sugar, cream, vanilla, in that order.

This is what will happen if you eat this for breakfast. You will feel really happy and good while you’re drinking it because of all the sugar and chocolate and dairy. Then you will feel nauseated because you overloaded your body with this after fasting for twelve hours. The nausea will last until around 10:00, when you will start to feel shaky and weak. Your brow will break out in a sweat, and you’ll start panting, feeling like you’re having a panic attack, because your blood sugar is crashing so hard you are now not functional.

But lunch break is still two hours away! What are you going to do? You need some food NOW. You’re now into the angry part of the blood sugar crash, where your heart is full of hatred for everyone around you. Look at that guy at the copy machine. He’s a worthless piece of shit, isn’t he? Look at him, with those shoes. Who does he think he is, the stupid motherfucker?

Now you start rifling through your purse, hoping you’ve squirreled away a snack of some kind. And you hit gold! It’s a bag of chocolate coins from that kid’s birthday party you went to last weekend. You confiscated the candy from your child, because you didn’t want her to eat it all at once, and you forgot to give it back! You realize that’s a shitty move on your part, and you feel kind of bad about it, but you don’t have time to sit around berating yourself for your questionable parenting skills; now is the time to get this crap into your body, with as little chewing as possible.

So you eat this entire baggy of candy. Your body slowly starts to return to normal, which is a relief. But then you’re nauseated again, because of all the damned sugar. You hate yourself. Why can’t you remember to pack almonds, like you always say you’re going to do? You even bought a whole bag of almonds, just for that purpose, and you meant to put them in your purse, but you forgot. Mostly because the idea of sitting and eating plain, raw almonds makes you feel depressed, but also, partially because you honestly forgot.

The nausea lasts until lunch time, when you’re finally able to get a decent meal with protein and vegetables, but until then, you’ve had a shitty day full of sickness, hatred and guilt.

So do yourself a favor. Have some eggs and hash browns like a sane person.