At a party, I recently learned that it’s possible to train crows to bring you loose change that they find, and I was instantly enchanted. That is a career that has Dana written all over it. No phones. No angry customers. No forms and paperwork. No fax machines. Also, I like crows.

I announced to my friends and husband that I planned to train me up a murder of crows to do my bidding. No only would I train them to bring me change, I would train them to send letters as well. I know eight Game of Thrones Geeks off the top of my head who I’m certain would pay me to send letters for them by crow.

My friends and husband laughed, assuming that I was just drunk and full of bad ideas, like usual.

They were wrong.

Of course, I had no idea how to begin. Where does one go to find crows? How do you make them stay? How do you communicate with birds? I realized that I had zero answers to these questions, and I became discouraged.

However, one day when I was playing outside with Nadia, what should we see, but a murder of crows? They were hanging out in the trees across the street. I panicked, completely losing my shit. I was not prepared! I WAS NOT PREPARED! I raced inside and got a piece of bread, vaguely recalling that birds like bread, and tore it into tiny pieces and threw them all over the sidewalk and yard. The birds ignored me and flew away.

I was sad. A friend assured me that they would come back in a week, which made me feel slightly better, but I wasn’t sure I believed that it was true.

It was true.

One week later, the crows were back. But this time, I was prepared. I had a jar of peanuts, ready and waiting. I sprinkled them all over the yard and sidewalk, while my two year old daughter snatched them up and ate them, giggling because Mommy was throwing food everywhere, which was obviously an attempt to create a wonderful new game. Eventually I got her to stop eating the peanuts by simply taking her back inside. But when I went out later to check, all the peanuts were gone.

The next day, again, Nadia and I went outside, and again the crows were there. Again, I threw peanuts for them, and went back inside. Repeat. Repeat.

Then, one day, the number of crows increased. As soon as Nadia and I went outside, they FLOCKED to my house. It was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced. Because they didn’t just hang out in a tree – they SURROUNDED us. They landed on top of the house, on the telephone wires, on every tree in the backyard, and every tree in the front yard.

The rush of feelings was intense. First of all, I felt powerful and effective. I had done it! I was the Queen of the Crows! But on the heels of that elation, was very real fear. Because being surrounded by dozens of watchful crows is creepy as fuck.

I took Nadia back inside.

Later, I told Phil about my crow luring, skimming over the amount of effort and time I’d actually spent doing it, and he was less than pleased. Turns out, he has no desire to live in a Crow Kingdom, and was pretty adamant that I cease all crow training operations immediately. I pouted a little, but in reality, I think I was kind of relieved.

And so, my crow training days have come to an end. Phil made a solid point that we don’t want our house and cars to be covered in crow shit, and I do agree with that. Also, I don’t want Nadia to get her eyes pecked out if she accidentally angers them. Crow time is over.

For now.