My Clumsy Family

In movies and books, clumsiness is always portrayed as a sweet, funny flaw. Oftentimes it’s downright charming. That’s because the writers have never had to live with clumsy people. I’m not an exceptionally graceful person, but I possess average dexterity and...

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Updates!

First of all, The Taxidermist is now available on Audible. If you want a free copy, let me know, I have some codes. Here is a link to the book. Get it. Allow my charming, hypnotic voice to fulfil you on a spiritual level....

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Dana’s Funeral Parlor

It’s always important to have a backup plan. You might wonder what mine is, if this whole writing thing doesn’t work out. (Thank you for your confidence asshole.) While this is a silly thing to wonder, since my big break is obviously very close, I will address the...

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Playing Outside

My daughter loves playing outside. LOVES it. She’s like a little feral cat, or a hippie. If I let her, she would spend 100% of her time outside, like an animal.

I’m told that this is a good thing, mostly by people in my parents’ and grandparents’ generations. If you listen to older people talk, they basically spent the entirety of their childhoods outdoors, and it turned them into wonderful super people, and it’s just a shame that kids spend so much time indoors these days, and GET OFF MY LAWN!

In addition, there are lots of psychologists and scientists who say that fresh air and sunshine are important for healthy physical and psychological development, and you need to make sure your kids spend time outside.

Ok. Fine. Since the whole world seems to think that being outside is the best thing ever, I do it. Despite the lupus, and the fact that I need a tub of hypoallergenic sunscreen and a parasol, I do it. I dutifully take my child outside to play, every single day.

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Crow Training

Crow Training

At a party, I recently learned that it’s possible to train crows to bring you loose change that they find, and I was instantly enchanted. That is a career that has Dana written all over it. No phones. No angry customers. No forms and paperwork. No fax machines. Also, I like crows.

I announced to my friends and husband that I planned to train me up a murder of crows to do my bidding. No only would I train them to bring me change, I would train them to send letters as well. I know eight Game of Thrones Geeks off the top of my head who I’m certain would pay me to send letters for them by crow.

My friends and husband laughed, assuming that I was just drunk and full of bad ideas, like usual.

They were wrong.

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The Worst Breakfast

This is the worst breakfast you could possibly eat. I’ll show you the recipe and picture first, then I’ll explain myself.

Alright. I assume you’ve taken that in.

First of all, I get that some people like coffee, and believe that they need it to function in the morning. Bitter vomit flavor is appealing to lots of people. I don’t pretend to get it, but I understand it on an intellectual level. So on its face, a coffee smoothie sounds like a pretty good breakfast idea. You’re killing two birds with one stone, getting your coffee and nutrition all at once. But you guys, this is not the way to do it.

All this “smoothie” is is a milkshake. Read the ingredients again. It’s coffee, ice, dairy and chocolate. It could be argued that vanilla Greek yogurt is preferable to ice cream, but I raise my eyebrow. It’s basically the same thing. Sugar, cream, vanilla, in that order.

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The Taxidermist

The Story Of Lorelei

Now on Amazon!

Lorelei deals with her cockroach roommates.

Dana Hammer’s short story, The Story Of Lorelei, appears in Murder in the Park After Dark Volume 1, edited by Karter Mycroft!

My Clumsy Family

In movies and books, clumsiness is always portrayed as a sweet, funny flaw. Oftentimes it’s downright charming. That’s because the writers have never had to live with clumsy people. I’m not an exceptionally graceful person, but I possess average dexterity and...

read more

Updates!

First of all, The Taxidermist is now available on Audible. If you want a free copy, let me know, I have some codes. Here is a link to the book. Get it. Allow my charming, hypnotic voice to fulfil you on a spiritual level....

read more
Ali and Amy

Ali and Amy

Read Dana Hammer’s new short story – Ali and Amy – on Cliterature for free!

The Taxidermist

The Taxidermist

Now on Amazon!

Spring Etienne is a pretty, charming fifteen year old psychopath who will do anything to bring herself out of poverty – including seducing a lonely older man. Hank is indeed a lonely older man – but he is also an incubus who feeds on the dreams of his victims. Together they form a bizarrely functional, darkly comedic couple. When a murder forces the couple to flee to Hank’s homeland in Germany, they are drawn deep into the world of the incubi – a world where Spring fits in very, very well.

Rosemary's Baby Daddy

Rosemary's Baby Dady

Now on Amazon!

A bored housewife gets impregnated with a demon baby. The demon father, Paz, decides to step up and learn to be a good father. But can he protect his baby from his psychotic ex-girlfriend, the baby-killing demoness, Lamashtu? And what is to be done about his baby-mama’s tiny, weak husband? What would The Great Dr. Phil say? A comedic urban fantasy about destruction, death, and adorable little babies.

The Unpleasantness in Room 27A

The Unpleasantness in Room 27A

Now on Amazon!

Where is the worst place to commit murder? Did you say “The Happiest Place on Earth?” Dana Hammer did, and she wrote a story about it.

Dana Hammer’s short story, The Unpleasantness in Room 27A, appears in It’s All in the Story: California: An Anthology of Short Fiction, edited by D.P. Lyle!